Some of you may have read my post last week where I, for a moment, was having a freak out moment. My #NaNoWriMo month was apparently going to be taken over by the scrip writing fairies and I was about to go along with it. Perhaps it was fear of not being able to accomplish the goal of 1,667 words per day, perhaps was the fear of not being good enough, perhaps it was a whole lot of both.
It’s true. I, very often struggle with not feeling like I’m good enough. I’ve heard that most people do. However, some of us, like me, sometimes take that fear a bit farther and sabotage ourselves.
Need to be good at something
I was never one of those kids that was exceptional at anything. I’m not sure I ever tried really hard. I have always been afraid of trying hard and failing. If I fail others won’t like me and worst yet, I won’t like myself. Words and stories are easy for me and I rarely struggle to create something that people want read or listen to. I CAN TELL A STORY and that makes me happy and proud. IT MAKES ME LIKED. It’s something I don’t want to lose.
#NaNoWriMo is a contest where you have to write 50,000 words in the month of November. There will be winners and losers (I hate to say that word). What if I am a loser? What if I don’t achieve the goal of writing the 50,000 words? Not winning, to me, will mean that I’m not good at writing and if I’m not good at this thing that I rely on for sanity what exactly am I good at? I rather not know! So, when I realized that there was a chance (a very big chance) that I would not win this thing, I freaked out and began creating reasons as to why I couldn’t enter the contest. It’s not me, really! Rules are rules. I was hiding behind the rules.
I sabotage myself
I create reasons why I can’t. I’m either too busy to do it or I’m not prepared or, in the case of #NaNoWriMo2019 my story changed from a novel to a screenplay and because a screenplay is never going to be 50,000 I cannot enter the contest. That would not be fair to others. If that sounds stupid or someone calls me out on my lie, I go a little further and say. Ok I will write the screenplay but that takes me out of the contest and therefore I can’t lose. Our brains are so good at making up their own stories.
This time something shifted. I fooled my brain. Within a few days of writing last week’s blog post I began to dream up a different story. A story that means a lot to me and winning isn’t about the 50,000 words. Winning is writing the story and getting it off of my chest.
So, here I am. Ready (well, as ready as I can ever be) to enter #NaNoWriMo2019. My first ever and I’m really excited….. Now if I can only figure out how to tell the story without really telling the story.
See you next week